NO SLEEP

Disconnection from sense of self, and therefore a disconnection from the world and other people. When there was no real connection, the result was addiction. How can you form a connection with someone if there is no real, whole human being to receive it? Hard at best, I think. I didnt know who I really was, and thought that others could be used in mirroring somehow my sense of self back to me, bringing some peace and stillness to that manic quest.

Only comfort was found in seeing other people drown.

I found good drugs to treat my existential emptiness and all other ills that the drinking, drugs, dysfunctionality and escaping everything brought about, by intensifying it to tenfold. Resisting pain creates only another layer of pain. There is pain and there is you being aware of the pain. In pain I trusted. The only thing real and stable. In my control.

But at the time when I decided to stop using opioids, a void grew bigger than it had ever been. Horror vacui. The dread of emptiness. And more potent remedies for that tiring although romantic angst made themselves known to me. I got into amphetamines. Big time. Basically I turned into stereotypical speedfreak, some dark shadow of a person I once were. A zombie, with wide eyed pale unemotional face. Arms full of ugly needle marks. I was that guy nobody would like to have anything to do with. After three months of almost constant amp abuse, my surroundings turned into a stimulant psychosis, 3D-nightmare show fueled by that stingy scent of white powder. I was a fan of horror flicks even before, but now I didn’t have to watch them anymore because I played the role of the monster myself in my the Big Movie. Time went by, and my personality tilted itself toward sociopathy. The anger I experienced with myself had to be transferred to other people. My skin began to have a greenish glow and my sweat smelled like battery acid poured over an old grave from the amphetamines I was injecting multiple times a day. Cotton fever. Seizures. Hospitalizations. Psychosis. Debt. Stealing. Violence. Isolation and heartbreak every hour.

Got into selling drugs to fund my habit. Lying basically to everyone. Didnt sleep for days. I experienced paralyzing depression when coming down from speed, too sad to even contemplate suicide. Ate maybe a chocolate bar once a day. A week long bender spent awake was more of a norm than anything. I lived in delusions, about myself, world and other people. A kind of self-harm themed fairytale where the pain was handled by voluntarily replacing the real with fantasy, unreal. There was always some dark schemes going on against me. Phone was tapped. There was demons inside me, and inside of others. Impending schizophrenia. I was being stalked by other dealers, police, witches, ghosts and shadow people who I thought were real, designed to be let loose on me because I was evil. Time stood still. Actually it moved backwards.

But I survived.
And in this blog I will tell you things about how.